Not Guilty: Another Case of the Wrong Path

As we were riding home and waiting for the jury’s verdict, I happened to glance at my youngest son as he sat in the back seat of the car leaning forward as if he were watching the events unfold through the radio.  His face was full of anticipation. His eyes were intent. His belief in the justice system was untarnished.  My heart was racing and I began to feel queasy.  I took a few deep breaths to try and control the sense of impending disappointment that I have become accustomed to preparing myself for.  In matters such as these, I’ve learned to prepare for the worse…to have no expectations.  It’s a defense mechanism that I’ve worked on for as long as I can remember. 

You see, being a black person in America has been quite a challenge.  While I am a proud American, I have always felt a clear distinction between being American and being African American.  There has always seemed to be two existing paths to everything.  There’s one that is traveled by Americans and another for the journey of the African American.  While both paths can arguably lead to success, the road that I have access to is wrought with obstacles, pitfalls and hidden agendas.  It’s filled with dead ends, detours and setbacks.  It’s dark, uphill, and challenging to navigate. The very design seems downright sinister. Because the other road was developed to help Americans reach their goals, they are able to make it safely to their intended destination without incidence.  This makes it difficult for them to understand the challenges that I face. 

After all, how would they know when they have never been on the path?  I mean really, could I expect that a jury of six made up of at least five Americans would see that Trayvon Martin should have been able to return home safely from the store that fateful night?  Could I really expect them to see that he did not deserve to die?  Could I expect them to see that George Zimmerman had no right to approach him?  Could I expect them to see that George Zimmerman should have followed the advisement of the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon?  Could I really expect them to put themselves in Trayvon’s shoes and think about how they would feel if a stranger were following them?  Could I really expect them to see the value in Trayvon’s life?  Probably not. 

Unfortunately, Trayvon Martin was just another kid on the wrong path and that’s all Americans seem to be able to see.  Oh how I long to travel on the American path.  I stand in front of it often and peer down its open and bright entryway.  Every now and again I find the courage to take a few awkward steps on that road.  Americans notice me immediately and redirect me to my own familiar path.  That’s what happened tonight.  Tonight the “Not Guilty” verdict ripped the innocence from my youngest son’s eyes while simultaneously proving that the blindfold on lady justice’s eyes has slipped just beneath them.  The small glimmer of hope that I could gain access to the American path was gone in an instant.  I felt a sense of defeat, a bit of anger, a smidgeon of disbelief, and an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment.  All are reminders of the journey that I must endure as an African American.  Rest in peace Trayvon.

There's a Hole in the Sidewalk..Can You See It?

I stumbled across this piece several years ago and have found it to be instrumental in self-reflection.  It is applicable to many aspects of our lives and helps us to think about the decisions and choices we make each day.  Take a few minutes to carefully read each "chapter" and then answer this question:  What chapter am I in?

An Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters, by Portia Nelson

Chapter I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.



Chapter II: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.


Chapter III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.


Chapter IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.


Chapter V: I walk down a different street.”

                                                                                                             — Portia Nelson

What Makes You Happy???

The other day I realized that making other people happy is the thing that makes me happy. Oddly, the realization made me sad. Of course I find happiness in many things, but nothing beats doing something to make someone else happy. When I’m spending quality time with my husband, I can’t help but think about my son at home. When I’m spending time with my husband and my younger son, I can’t help but wish my older son was with us. When I’m vacationing, I wish my mom and my sister were with me. When I cook something, I give the best looking part to others. When I’m enjoying lunch with friends, I save some for my kids. When I finish a meal at a restaurant, I habitually stack all of the plates, cups, silverware, and napkins, to make things a little easier for the busser or waiter. When I’m shopping, I find myself hanging clothes up that others tossed on the floor (I used to work at Marshall’s Department Store when I was 16). When I’m relaxing, my mind wanders off to thoughts of all of the things I could be doing. When hosting a party, I need to make sure that everyone else is having a good time. When attending a party, I’ve got to help the host…after all, I totally understand what it’s like to organize and tidy up to avoid chaos. I can go on for hours, but I trust that you get the point.


The next thing that I did was to think about things that made me happy that had nothing to do with others. It was such a struggle for me but here’s what I came up with: I love listening to music—all genres, just really good music. I like reading good books. I love eating at good restaurants—I LOVE good food. I enjoy days that I don’t have an itinerary—sometimes it’s good to have nothing to do. I’m not much of a TV watcher, but I like watching HGTV and OWN. I like bubble baths, manicures, pedicures, and massages. I like to sleep on freshly laundered sheets. I like to shop and browse for hours, and I love to laugh.

While random acts of kindness and taking care of those I love will always be a part of my happiness, I have decided that I will spend a little more time making me happy. After all, I’m pretty good at this “happy” thing.

I challenge you to do the same.

Today the World Ended

According to the Mayan calendar, the world is set to end next Friday.  I have heard quite a few jokes regarding the same.  Well, for those who lost loved ones in the tragic shooting spree at Sandy Hook elementary school today, it must seem like the world ended a week sooner.

This morning I started my day in the usual way.  I woke my son up for school, kissed him on the forehead, and gave him ten minutes to lay in our bed with us—smack dab in the middle; that’s his favorite spot.  After ten minutes of cuddling, I got him out of bed and assumed my new role as drill sergeant.  As part of the routine I gave him instructions to help ensure that he would be ready to catch the bus.  These instructions also included tasks that should have been completed the night before, but as usual, they were not completed in a satisfactory manner.  As the morning proceeded, I checked to see where he was in the process and pointed out tasks that were yet to be completed.  I provided updates on the time about every ten minutes or so.  After each time update, it was apparent that once again he was not on schedule to make the bus.  The verbal prompts became more urgent and my frustration more apparent.  My son does not know how to move faster; he operates at the same pace despite the time crunch we are in.  It. Is. Extremely. Annoying.  At this point, I begin to do the necessary things to get him out on time.  “Get your lunch box!”  “Take the lotion in the car…the back of your leg is still dry!”  “Let’s go…we have to leave right now!”  “If you miss this bus you are not playing that game this weekend!”  “Where’s your sweater?  Yes, you need it!  Go back and get it!”  “Hurry up!  What’s taking you so long to get in the car!?”  “You are nine years old…this is ridiculous!”  “You have got to do better than this.  I am tired of telling you the same things over and over again!”  “There’s the bus.  Hurry up.  OK, have a nice day…I love you.” “Hey!!  You forgot your sweater…here.”  I watched him get on the bus, waited until I saw his silhouette as he took his seat on the bus, then I pulled off…mentally exhausted.   

I cannot imagine what it must be like to receive a telephone call or message advising of a shooting your child’s school.  It is completely unfathomable to understand how it must feel to learn that your child has been murdered while at school.  The thought of the sheer terror that those children experienced is heart wrenching.  When I put myself in the position of the parent’s of those innocent children, I can’t help but to become emotional.  How do you reconcile such a loss?  How do you make it through the day?  How do you breathe?  How do you identify your deceased child who you sent to school earlier?  How do you go home and see all of the things that made your house their home?  How do you make sense of something so senseless?  I wish that I had the answers, but I don’t. 
Today the world ended for those who lost their lives in this tragedy.  Many of their loved ones must feel as though a part of them died too.  Many of us feel helpless and only wish there were something that we could do to help ease their pain.  Would tougher gun laws, or locked school campuses have prevented this act of unspeakable violence?  Perhaps, but we can't be sure.  

What we can do is realize that so many things that we think are important, really aren’t. We can stop taking things for granted. Tomorrow may not come for some of us or for those we love, so we have to make every second of every day count. We can stop postponing living by waiting until next week, or next month, or next year to do the things that we can do for, and with those we love, today. We can ask ourselves the question "If I knew that a loved one would no longer be here next week, what would I do differently?"  I know I plan to be a little bit more patient on Monday morning. One more hug and one less demand.

The Mayans were a week off in their prediction, because today, the world ended.

                                                                                                                        Written 12/14/12

There was no Calm Before the Storm

As news and personal accounts of the impact and aftermath of Hurricane Sandy continues to come in, I find myself feeling awkward. It’s a feeling that can best be explained with the example of a person who narrowly escapes injury or death and walks out of a situation that others were unable to avoid. Please understand, in no way are my feeling equivalent to such a plight, it is however, the best way I can describe it. You see, I am a product of Far Rockaway, Queens. I know the beauty of the beaches, I rode my bicycle up and down the boardwalk as a kid. I rode the A train, the Q 22, the dollar van, and used the Q footy footy to get around town and out of town (although, we didn’t leave Far Rockaway much back then…everything we needed was there—at least we thought so). I went to P.S. 105 back when it was known as “The Bay School”, traveled to the opposite end of the town to attend P.S. 114 in Belle Harbor and junior high school 180 in Rockaway Beach, and made a u-turn to attend Far Rockaway high school smack dab in the middle of Far Rockaway, NY. I lived in public housing in what some considered one of the worst housing projects in the New York City—Edgemere Houses. Some years back, the name was changed to Ocean Bay Houses, but it will always be Edgemere to me.
When I think of growing up there, I remember a sense of community. The tenant patrol was the watch group of concerned citizens who wanted to keep the neighborhood safe. As a teen ager, I thought they were a bunch of nosey old people. Now I know better. I recall having friends who lived on nearly every floor in my building. They were like family. There was no need to go out of the building to meet people, but we did. We walked up and down the blocks to see our friends from other buildings too. We all knew each other and could spot an outsider in a heartbeat. We played hop scotch with a piece of broken glass or a rock. We played skelly with candle wax or gum pressed into a milk top. We played hand ball on the wall underneath the buildings. We played “Red light, green light” and “Mother may I?” We played tag, red rover, kick the can, spin the bottle…oh I could go on forever!
There was however, an ugly side to life there. Gun violence claimed the lives of friends and acquaintances on a regular basis. People went to Rikers Island jail so often that it became a rites of passage for many young boys. It was not uncommon to answer the public telephone on the corner of 54th Street and talk with someone incarcerated who used the telephone number of the pay phone as a life line to the community. Poverty ran rampant in my old neighborhood. So much so, we didn’t even realize that we were poor. Making the most of what you had was normal. Sharing a cup of sugar, two eggs, or $5 until next week, was a regular thing. We looked out for each other. We knew how to handle adversity because it was an everyday thing.

For as long as I can remember, there was always talk of the bay and the ocean meeting and causing devastation. I’d heard it so often that it didn’t scare me at all. But then again, neither did the gun violence, robberies, drug dealing, or regular police activity. It was all a part of life in my neighborhood.
As the years passed, I was exposed to life outside of my neighborhood. The experiences opened my eyes to a brighter future and I stepped into the light. I got out before the storm. Lots of people did. However, there are those who didn’t see it coming. They were unprepared or under-prepared. They were blinded by the winds of reality. Some fell victim to low expectations and statistics. Some were overcome by a sense of hopelessness. Some made a conscious decision to stay. The awkward feeling comes in when I realize that many are in complete darkness trying to find their way, and struggling to survive the chaos, while I am doing just fine. You see, the trouble didn’t begin when the bay met the ocean; there has always been a black cloud over my old neighborhood. We just didn’t notice it, because it was always there. When you’ve lived in a tumultuous environment for your entire life, you’d never imagine that a little storm could be a problem.

I am certain that those remaining in my old neck of the woods will come out of this bruised and battered…but better. They’ve always had the skills to overcome adversity…we learned them through our lives filled with challenge and struggle. It is my hope that this experience has changed the definition of “normal”. The notion of the bay and ocean meeting is no longer just an old wives tale. It’s a reality. Hopefully, people will begin to rebuild not only their homes, but their lives. There is light just beyond the darkness, but leaving the familiar is a personal choice. Those who choose to stay must prepare for the storm while there is calm because one thing we know now is, it’s coming.

A Good Day for a Resolution

Psst. Psst. Hey…hey you. We are approaching the last quarter of the year and I just want to know how well you did with your resolutions. Did you make any at the start of the year? In an effort to avoid the commercialism, did you make your resolutions before the year began or a month or two into 2012? Did you abandon the term “resolution” and simply challenge yourself to do better? Did you decide that this would be the year that you wouldn’t broadcast your resolution, opting instead to wait for others to notice your achievement? Perhaps you didn’t even make any personal self improvement commitments at all, but somehow knew that you should have. Either way, I just wanted to point out the fact that even though it seems like we just celebrated the New Year, its September. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day are in the history books, and that’s no April Fools prank. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have come and gone, as have the 4th of July and Labor Day. Halloween is just around the corner and many of you have yet to accomplish the goal that you set. That’s pretty scary.


No, no, no…don’t start feeling down though; it’s not the end of the world. Now is the perfect time for evaluation. It’s important to evaluate your goals periodically. When you recognize what is working it encourages you to continue. When you identify what isn’t working, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it simply means that you need to make some adjustments to your strategy—and sometimes, it means you have to revise your goal. Finding the courage to try again is just as noteworthy as finding the courage to begin. So whether you fell off the wagon or never even got on, I challenge you to make a commitment to improve some aspect of your life today. Don’t wait for the perfect time, because there isn’t one. You’ve just got to decide that you are worth the commitment and do it! I can’t think of a better day than today. Happy Monday! Cheers!

You Can Have It (if you really want it)

Have you ever wanted something so badly, but couldn't have it? Ahh, I see the wheels turning...you're thinking about it. I'm guessing that you may be a little hesitant to fully commit to answering, because of the fear that it might be a "trick question". Go ahead...answer it. No one will know except you. OK, if you answered "NO", start over from the beginning, and this time, be honest. If you answered "Yes", welcome to the club. You are not alone. If we're honest, we've all had something that we felt was beyond our reach and decided that we couldn't have it. Once the decision is made and we have accepted it as fact, we move in another direction. Sometimes the whole idea is dismissed. We let it die because it's just easier that way. Some of us return to the burial site of that thing we wanted so badly and lament. All the while convincing ourselves that there was no way for us to have what we wanted.
I know, I know—there really was no way that you could have had that thing. No one understands just how hard you tried. No one has walked in your shoes. It just doesn't happen that way. It's beyond your control. The timing just wasn't right. If you knew then, what you know now... yada, yada, yada. Yeah, been there, done that—sucked on that pacifier, but it only keeps you going for a little while. In most cases, these are phrases that make up the elaborate smoke screen that hides our truths. Some of us are afraid of failure, afraid of losing, afraid of rejection, or afraid of being vulnerable. Some of us are deterred by the obstacles, overwhelmed by the enormous amount of work, effort, or time required and still others are held captive by negative thoughts and self-doubt. Sadly, the smokescreen gives us permission to quit before we even start.

Motivational speaker Tony Robbins said “The only thing keeping you from what you want is your story about why you can’t have it”. What’s your story?
If you were granted a reasonable amount of time to acquire that thing, and also given the caveat that if you did not acquire it by that time, you would die, what would you do differently? If it were a matter of life and death, how would you alter your approach? Would your sense of urgency increase? Would you ask for help? Would you ask a second time even if the person who could help you didn’t respond the first time? How would you manage your time differently? Would finding the time in a day to work on accomplishing the goal become a priority? Would you try harder? Would you keep working even though you couldn’t see results? Would you hope? Would you believe? Would you be worth it then?

You’re worth it now. Stop making excuses and start making a way. Work as if your life depends on it, for it is then that success will be inevitable.

The Future Awaits You

1962.  The inaugural season of the New York Mets.  1979.  The year Johan Santana was born.  As you may know, Johan Santana is currently a starting pitcher for the New York Mets.  Last month, he pitched a no-hitter.  Now, a no-hitter by any pitcher, in any ball club is a cause for celebration—but for the Mets, it was historical.  Why? Because it was the first time that any New York Mets pitcher had pitched a no-hitter in the history of the franchise.  Since 1962, no one had ever pitched a no-hitter.  If you’re trying to do the math, let me help…50 years.
Johan Santana was born in Venezuela, right before the start of the 18^th regular Major League Baseball season.  Throughout his childhood, the Mets started some notable pitchers.  None of them pitched a no-hitter for the Mets.  Growing up, Santana played center field.  After being discovered and entering the training academy in 1994, he was told he would be a pitcher.  He wasn’t happy about that decision, because he considered himself a center fielder.  That’s what he was good at.  That’s where he’d always played.  Reluctantly, he accepted the role.  Six years later, he pitched his first game, for the Minnesota Twins in April of 2000.  He didn’t make his way over to Shea Stadium to play for the Mets until 2008.  Still, a no-hitter had not been pitched there.  Santana sat out of the 2011 season due to surgery, and came back hoping that he would be able to make an impact during the 2012 season.  That he did.  On June 1, 2012, he went down as the first, and only, New York Mets pitcher to pitch a no-hitter.

Today, I want you to believe in yourself—your potential for greatness.  I want you to wrap your thoughts around the fact that on the day you were born, you began a journey towards your destiny.  You have skills, talents and abilities that many others have, but the future is waiting for YOU to make history.  Your destiny could be tied to something or someone in another city, state, or country.  Your destiny could be tied to an unrecognized talent, skill or ability.  The key is preparation.  Vince Lombardi once said, “The only place sucess comes before work is in the dictionary.”  Don’t expect for success to come knocking on your door…go out and find it.  Surround yourself with people who are experts at doing the very thing that you want to do.  Seek out advice and constructive feedback from them.  Be open to their suggestions about the direction of your career.  Work on your weaknesses—real and perceived and when opportunity presents itself, give it everything you’ve got.

No one can do it alone.  Johan Santana is the one who will be remembered for the no-hitter, but there were others who helped make it possible.  One teammate caught a fly ball, an umpire made a questionable call in favor of Santana, and the team manager kept him in the game when he seemed to be struggling.  Don’t worry, if you’re prepared and working your hardest, your help will come in various forms.  It’s not going to happen overnight.  There will be many highs and lows on your journey, don’t spend too much time lamenting the lows, and spend even less time celebrating the highs.  View all of these as rest stops en route to your destination.  Keep moving forward.  

Always believe that you have a greater purpose than the one you see or have imagined.  You do.  In fact, it is my belief that the future is waiting on YOU to make history.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Each day that we live, we choose how we will respond to situations that arise. From the trivial, to the grand, consciously and subconsciously, we send these responses into the universe—affecting our lives, and the lives of others both directly and indirectly. Often, unaware of our tendency to take things for granted, we fail to see the wonder around us.

From the time the alarm clock sounds, many of us begin complaining. “Uh, it’s too early to be up”. “I hate mornings.” “I’m not a morning person”. “It’s too hot/cold outside” “I don’t feel like going to work today”. “I hate my hair”. “I don’t like the way I look in this outfit”. “I hate this job”. “The people I work with get on my last nerve”. “I’ve got too much on my plate”. “I can’t wait for this day to be over”. “They don’t pay me enough for this”. “I hate my commute”. “These kids get on my nerves”. “There aren’t enough hours in a day”. “I don’t feel like cooking”. “I’m tired of eating the same things”. “I’m not happy”. “There’s nothing on cable”. …and then we go to bed, wake up, and do it all again.

I challenge you to start your day with an attitude of gratitude. When your alarm clock rings, and you wake up, I want you to be cognizant of the fact that there are some who won’t wake up. Every time we open our eyes, we are fortunate. When you’re fed up with your job, think about the many unemployed people desperately seeking the opportunity that you are taking for granted. Better yet, think about how happy you were to get the job in the first place. When you’re praying for a day or a week to be over, remember, tomorrow is not promised. Live in the moment. When you’re stuck in traffic, think about the people who will be involved in a car accident, and won’t make it home. When you can’t find anything to watch on television, remember, there are many people who don’t own a television. Consider yourself privileged. When you find yourself annoyed with the kids, think about the many people who want to start a family but have been unable to conceive. The next time you open your refrigerator, or reach into your cupboard/pantry for something to cook or eat, reflect for a moment, on the families that will go to bed hungry.

It’s very easy to lose site of our blessings—especially when we are faced with challenges. However, it is important to be grateful for the things that make up our individual life experience. Begin your day with intentional gratitude because there’s so much to be thankful for. There’s always someone who would prefer to deal with your “problems” than to face their own.

Two Kinds of Smart People...

Have you ever talked with someone who used every word in the dictionary to form a simple sentence—the kind of person who regurgitates his intellect and rolls around on the floor in it? You know the type...they look for every opportunity to broadcast their brilliance. The effort is deliberate and overbearing--even obnoxious. Quite frankly, it's disgusting. However, this person doesn't seem to have any idea of that. They are so caught up in making sure you see them in the way that they want to be seen, and don't even realize that they've rammed their genius down your throat. I've watched this type of person change the mood in a room. Most of the time I’m able to fight off the urge to call the person out on it (I've got quite the reputation for being brutally honest...matter-of-fact...direct), but, more than a few times, I've been the person who said what everyone else was thinking. You don't have to wear a "Brainpower" t-shirt or shout your I.Q. score through a megaphone in order to let people know that you're smart. In fact, you don't have to tell people anything, they can always figure out more about you by what you do than by what you say.


When Christine Romans of CNN asked Van Jones to share the best advice he had ever gotten, he told her what his dad had advised him just before he went off to law school:

"Listen, when you get there, you're going to see, there are two kinds of smart people. There are smart people that take very simple things and make them sound very complicated so they can enrich themselves, and there are people who take very complicated things and make them sound simple to empower other people. I want you to be that kind of smart kid when you come back home."

I absolutely love and live by that advice!

...and I'll admit, I get a real kick out of seeing the "smart" guys light bulb dim as he begins to realize that the "cut-ups" in the room are brighter than he could ever dream of being, but have chosen to leave their megaphones at home.

Learning to Forgive...the Hard Way

When you think about “forgiving” you probably immediately think of a person who has wronged you.  The idea of forgiving the person (or persons) may bring on feelings of guilt too—especially when the person wants your forgiveness, but you can’t seem to move beyond your indignation.  Sometimes trying to explain why you can’t forgive to someone else is even more difficult…because you actually have to hear how petty or illogical your rationale sounds.  In some cases, forgiveness is a challenge because of painful memories or scars (physical or mental).  These can be tough to overcome. 

We all struggle with the notion of forgiving, sometimes choosing to embrace it, other times deciding to dismiss it.  The decision is always personal—no one can make you forgive.  I am not writing to try and change that either.  However, I will share that I learned the importance of forgiving the hard way.  When I was a teenager, I lost my dearest friend in a car accident.  At the time I was not speaking to her because of something that was so irrelevant but seemed reason enough at the time.  When I received the news that she had been in a car accident, I pleaded with God to spare her life.  I begged for one more opportunity to tell her that I loved her.  I never got that opportunity.  I was devastated.  You see, it had never occurred to me that we wouldn’t have the chance to make amends.  We were 18…we had so many years ahead of us.  That’s what I thought, but I was wrong. 

As a result of that experience, I have always asked myself an important question whenever the issue of forgiveness is on the table.  I reflect on the person who I am upset with and I ask myself this:  If something were to happen that resulted in the death of this person, would it matter to me?  Would I wish that I had handled the situation differently?  If I can’t say “No” then I have to let it go.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you can live with the decision because pleading, begging, and bargaining with God will not turn back the hands of time.

Trayvon Martin was My Son

I am saddened by the death of Trayvon Martin and sickened by the circumstances that led to his death, and the handling of the case. At this point, I don’t find it necessary to write all of the details because his name alone has become a household word. Although his death was clearly racially motivated in the very least, it seems to me that it was a calculated and sinister execution. The coward that killed him should have been arrested that very night, or maybe I’m confused because my experience with law enforcement has always been viewed through the eyes of a black woman. In my experience, black men have always been arrested first, and then the details are sorted out. In my experience, young black boys are harassed, frisked, and questioned without parental consent. In my experience, young black men are killed and authorities try and find evidence that the deceased was a problem child with poor character, and a history of some form of delinquency. In my experience, many young black boys have been arrested, beaten, and charged with misdemeanor offenses like disorderly conduct, for denying an officer the opportunity to search them without probable cause.
As a result of these personal experiences, I grew more concerned about my son as he entered his teenage years. Of course, all parents worry about their children, but for minority parents, teaching our sons—and daughters about racial profiling by people and law enforcement is a rite of passage. I’m raising my sons in a suburban neighborhood—a gated community. They are intelligent, articulate, respectful, and personable. However, my oldest son is seventeen and stands nearly 6’4 inches tall. Unfortunately, because of the color of his skin, in a hoodie, he fits the description of a criminal. He cannot congregate in front of the movie theatre with a group of black boys and laugh and crack jokes the way he can if he is out with his white friends. The behavior is viewed as obnoxious in the least and even menacing by some.
As a pre-teen, the neighborhood boys would play a game called “Manhunt”. This is a game that has to be played outdoors and in the dark. I don’t remember all of the details of the game, but from his description, it sounds like “Hide and Go Seek”. When he ran anxiously into the house for a flashlight to look for his friends and explained the game, I told him he could not play. He couldn’t understand why and thought that I was overreacting. I recall him being very upset. It didn’t matter. The rule still applied. I knew that we were new to the neighborhood, and one of only three black families living here. I was not willing to take the chance that people would see my son hiding in the bushes and have an initial thought of him being an innocent kid playing a game. He didn’t understand it then, but he does now.
Prior to him getting his car, we described what he should do if he was stopped by a police officer. Part of this dialogue that nearly every minority parent has with their kids—no matter their social or economic status, included: Keep both hands on the steering wheel, answer every question politely, don’t make any sudden movements, if asked to get out of the car or for permission to search the car, ask if you can contact your parents because you are a minor and may need an attorney. However, if all of this is disregarded and you are taken out of the car, do not resist. If they ask you to sit on the curb, sit on the curb. If they ask you to lie face down on the pavement without probable cause, lie face down on the pavement. It’s better to be arrested than to be killed. My son knows those rules like he knows his name. Sadly, for the rest of his life, those rules could be the difference between life and death for him.
Trayvon Martin was my son. Trayvon Martin was your son. What can we do differently to ensure that young black boys have a fair chance at living? That is certainly not too much to ask. No one should die because of the color of their skin. Regardless of the color of your skin, it is my hope that you can either relate to, or understand this plight. I hope that it sickens and outrages you to the point of action. I hope it moves you to do something. It really is up to us. Lady Justice is supposed to be blind, but I hate to say it, she’s cheating. She has managed to slip that blindfold just below her eyelid and we have got to put it back in place and tie it tighter. Would you join me in signing the petition for justice on behalf of Trayvon Martin? We are the change, and together we can make a difference. Go to www.change.org and sign the petition.

Black History Month...Big Deal. (Reposted from last year by request)

Twenty-eight days. I guess the fact that I’m not impressed makes me ungrateful. Well, I’m still not impressed. Each year during the month of February, kids in schools across America get to hear about Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington Carver, Harriet Tubman, Garrett Morgan and Jackie Robinson. Bulletin boards in schools across the nation are adorned with pictures, artwork, and biographical data in tribute to these and other black historical figures. African American communities host events to celebrate and corporate giants buy radio and television ads to show that they are culturally aware and committed to diversity. There are 365 days in a year and Black History gets 28 of them. Big deal. I sincerely believe that there was a time—many years ago, when acknowledging Black History for one month really meant something. I’m sure that when Carter G. Woodson started Negro History Week in 1926, he never envisioned that fifty years later, an entire month would be designated to commemorate the history of African Americans. I’m guessing that in 1976, African American parents were elated when their young children came home with a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or were assigned to write a book report on a famous African American person. In 1976, the recognition of Black History month was a sign that our country had taken a huge step in the right direction. The country as a whole had moved from blatant discrimination to tolerance. I’d like to think that in 1976, the parents of school aged children felt the same kind of pride that I felt when my kindergartener wore his Barack Obama t-shirt to school the day after the 2008 elections. For on that day, we were celebrating something unprecedented. We were celebrating the day that our nation—as a whole moved from mere tolerance to acceptance. Although “acceptance” still implies inferiority (since the person who accepts someone or something is bestowing approval or favor), it still felt like a major hurdle had been crossed. I think it’s time for our nation to embrace the notion of equality. I subscribe to that notion. If one is an American, he or she should be afforded the same opportunities and privileges as any other American. Carter G. Woodson started Negro History with the dual purpose of getting African Americans to take pride in their worth as a people and getting others to embrace African Americans history as an important part of American History. To achieve the latter, our history must be infused into the history of our country—making every day black history day. As a nation, we have to go beyond the mere shout outs and mentions. We have to shift from the ideal of pacifying a people with trivial acts of tolerance and acceptance and instead, employ the universal ideology that tolerance and acceptance are patronizing at best, and at worst, insulting to the intelligence of the rational man. I’m not suggesting that we do away with Black History Month, I’m suggesting we work harder at being inclusive and treating every American equally. When that happens, there would no longer be a need for the twenty-eight day garbage time, where second string citizens get to have their moment in the spotlight. Until then, Happy Black History Month. I’m still not impressed.

Change Can Be a Pain

A couple of weeks ago I went to my dentists’ office to pick up my “aligners”. Yep, I did it. After years of contemplating about whether or not to get my bottom teeth straightened out, I decided to get the invisible braces. It seemed like an easy fix—just wear the aligners for eight months to a year and voilà, a perfect smile. I sat in the chair and watched as he took the aligners out of the package that was customized for me. I opened my mouth as instructed so that the aligners could be fitted onto my teeth. I was not prepared for the “pressure” that I felt. My teeth and gums hurt so bad that I wanted to take the devices out immediately. He assured me that it would feel better in 48 hours. He explained that it would take about ten minutes to take the aligners out of my mouth by myself and encouraged me to be patient when I made my first attempt. He advised that I return to his office the following day if I was unable to remove the braces myself. I drove home trying to figure out what I had gotten myself into. That evening, I had to take the braces out in order to brush my teeth. The notion of “pressure” was no match for the pain that I felt. It felt as if I were pulling out my teeth without Novocain. I talked to myself throughout the process and finally they came out. I brushed my teeth gently and snapped the braces back into place. Again I felt a rush of pain. I took some ibuprofen and went straight to bed. Eating was not an option. The next day I was not interested in eating anything. To make matters worse, it was difficult to say certain words because of the braces. The only thing I could look forward to was the 48th hour. I developed a strategy of drinking Ensure for breakfast and lunch so that I only had to take the braces off to eat dinner. Two days later, still painful. Three days later, no better. It took about a week for me to finally get to the point where it was worth it to take the braces out to eat lunch, and about a week and a half for me to be able to make the “S” sound when I spoke. It’s been two weeks now, and I can take them out and put them in with little difficulty. I can eat and only experience mild soreness. Two weeks ago, I didn’t think that I’d ever eat again. Next week, it will be time for the new set of aligners—the next “phase” of my treatment plan. You see, every two to three weeks I will get a new set of “vice grips” and have to deal with the pressure of my teeth adjusting, shifting and correcting. I’m hearing from “survivors” that it gets easier to deal with over time. The lesson that I want to share with you is that change is never easy. In fact, change is uncomfortable. Change doesn’t feel good. Sometimes it’s even painful. Change can leave you feeling uncertain about your decision. You may even feel like retreating to your old method of operation—change has a way of making the old way seem easier. One of the most frustrating things about change is that it takes time. Real change doesn’t usually happen overnight. Progress is not easy to see either. It may happen so slowly that it doesn’t seem like it’s happening at all. It may not seem worth it. Change anyway. Ghandi said it best: “Become the change you want to see”. If there’s something that you want to fix, fix it. If there’s something you want to do, do it. If there’s something you need to stop, stop it. If there’s something you want to be, be it. If it’s important to you, commit to change even though it’s difficult. For after the rain comes the rainbow and after the pain comes the reward. I’m smiling through the pain and changing for the better all the while!

Don't Forget to Look Out for the Squirrels

A few weeks ago while riding home from the grocery store at a speed of about 35mph, a squirrel darted out in front of me. I thought nothing of it at first because it’s a regular occurrence. Squirrels are so fast that I never considered that I would actually hit one at the speed I was going. However, this time was different. The squirrel never made it to the median. I looked through my rearview mirror and there he was—road kill. It was the first time I’d ever hit or ran over anything (well anything that was alive). I felt really bad. Sure, some would say “it was just a squirrel”, but it was a preventable accident. I could have slowed down or stopped until the squirrel had safely made it across the street, but I didn’t think I had to. Had it been a dog or a duck, I would have slowed down. But, I just assumed the squirrel would make it across. They always do. There’s even a “Geico” commercial that shows a squirrel make it across a busy street in the nick of time.

This morning, while riding on the highway, I saw a dead raccoon that had obviously met the same fate as the squirrel and for whatever reason, I thought about the incident again. I thought to myself—if everything happens for a reason, I wonder why I hit that squirrel. Here’s what came to me:

In life there are lots of people who need help. Their shortcomings, obstacles, and dilemmas are evident. We all know people who need help and hopefully, we respond and offer our support and/or assistance in whatever manner we can. We check on our friends and relatives who are faced with struggles to make sure that they are okay, and remind them regularly that we are there to help if needed. These people are our “Dogs” and “Ducks”. We know we need to watch out for them, look after them, and make sure that they are alright. We understand their vulnerabilities and the role we may have to play in making their lives manageable.

On the other hand, we all know people that seem to have it all together. These are the friends and relatives that have never asked for help, don’t appear to have any problems and couldn’t possibly benefit from any help that you could offer. After all, these people seem to be doing just as good, if not better, than you are. These people don’t seem to “need” anything. In fact, they are always doing or helping others. These people are our “Squirrels”. Remember what happened to that squirrel that decided to cross in front of me? Yep, I “assumed” that squirrel could get across the street. I was wrong.

I challenge each of you to look out for the “Squirrels” in your life. These people are movers and shakers; they are always busy, busy, busy. They think that they can do anything and everything. They may feel invincible but they aren’t. Check on them. Offer to help them with a task or invite them over for dinner or out for drinks. Call just to let them know that you care. Remind them to slow down and take a break. Oh,…and if you’re the squirrel, it’s better to take your time and carefully chart out your course of action, than to dart towards your goal without regarding the obstacles and dangers in front of you. Don't get so wrapped up in trying to do so much that you end up killing yourself. Of course, there are challenges that must be overcome in order to be successful, but please...slow down.

The Ugly Truth...

As each of us travels along the road of destiny towards our passion and purpose, we are at some point forced to embrace a harsh reality. For some of us, it will take years to realize and even longer to accept. For most of us, even after recognizing and accepting this ugly truth, we go far into our adult lives before taking the appropriate actions. Some of us fail to see, or chose to ignore the reality and live with the residual effects for years, and years and years. The harsh reality that I speak of is that many of the people who walk with you as you travel towards your destiny do not wish you well.
It’s a very painful notion to accept when you genuinely care about the well-being of a person but the feeling is not reciprocal. All of the signs are there, but it’s much too difficult to believe. Instead, we spend countless hours trying to convince ourselves that our intuition is off. I mean, after all, why would someone be unhappy about another person’s success? Sadly, at some point we each have to come to terms with this: There are some who allow their own insecurities, regrets and unpursued dreams to rob them of their ability to wish the best for others.
I am still in the process of learning to remove these people from my space. It’s very difficult in the real world because for whatever reason, these people want to remain a part of your life. They wear the costume of friendship and masquerade their ill will. However, there comes the time when each of us is able to see through the deception. Far too often, we ignore the signs and opt instead to try and find the good in the relationship, despite the obvious negativity. I say that it is time we find the inner strength to “unfriend” those who do not add value and positive energy to our lives. It’s ok to wish them well from a distance and remain cordial, but those who you allow to be a part of your personal journey should have a genuine interest in seeing you live your purpose…without any concern about whether or not you reach your goal before they realize theirs.
A person who is supposed to be a part of your journey will be happy with each step forward you take. They will be proud of your successes and will have no problem telling you or others just how proud they are. When you face obstacles, these will be the people who help you find a way around them. They will encourage you when you can’t see the path to your purpose. They notice when you are off your game or slacking and quickly express their disappointment. They challenge you to be and give your best. These are the people who could be experiencing their biggest setbacks, but would still be ecstatic about your achievements. They care about you and hold your dreams close to their hearts. They pray for your strength, well-being and success as often as they pray for their own.
With the people who are supposed to be on your journey guarding the path, there simply isn’t enough room for those who don’t believe in, encourage, or support your dreams. Hanging on to them, only slows you down. Let them go. No apologies necessary. Find the courage to distance yourself from these people. Find the courage to move forward on your path with only those who truly matter beside you.

Moving On

I can’t believe that I stayed so long. All the signs of a bad relationship were there but I kept thinking things would get better. I mean, he took good care of me…even though he was detached, cold and aloof. I tried to rationalize the behavior. “Well, that’s just the way he is” I thought to myself. I tried to change my expectations, thinking that perhaps I was expecting too much. But, I was bothered by the fact that he didn’t seem to care about me at all. Sure, he did what he needed to do, but he was not interested in connecting with me. I tried to engage him every chance I had, but nothing. I wasted so much time hoping things would get better. Years passed, but not even time could change him.

I’m generally a strong person, but somehow I didn’t consider leaving. I found reasons to stay. First of all, it was convenient. I could usually see him when I needed to. Secondly, I’d gotten use to being treated coldly and knew how to handle it. More importantly, I didn’t want to have to start all over again. I convinced myself that if I started over again, I’d still have an issue with the new person, because after all, nobody’s perfect. I told myself that the process of establishing a new relationship was just too stressful. I’d have to share all of my history with someone new. I’d have to take a chance and trust again. That is very difficult for me to do. So I stayed; enduring a relationship of convenience. I wasted time and money (I gave him lots of money over the years) and never felt fulfilled.

A couple of weeks ago I told him how I felt. I shared my feelings and waited for feedback. I thought certainly he would realize that he had neglected me and take corrective action. I was wrong. He just seemed irritated by my expectations. I got the feeling that he expected me to
accept him the way he is. I stopped trying. I completely shut down. I began to feel angry—at myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I decided to change my situation once and for all. I didn’t bother to tell him, even though I doubt it would have mattered. He didn’t care about me (at least not the way that I needed him to). I left him and resolved to put my needs first from that day on.

So, I called a few friends and let them know that I was looking for someone a little more caring. I also kept my eyes and ears open for new prospects.

Well, today I finally switched doctors and it seems this one has the right prescription.

A Winner's Attitude

It was a must-win game. The semi-final game—a mere formality on the way to the championship. By all accounts, my sons’ team was undoubtedly winning the championship. Everybody knew it. I don’t think anyone came there with another thought. Not the opposing team, not the opposing coach, and not the opposing players. What transpired over the next couple of hours was a multitude of lessons. During the first quarter, the opposing team jumped out to a quick five point lead. With our team starting the game with two of the best players on the bench, we weren’t the least bit concerned about that lead. As the first quarter came to a close, our team had gained momentum. We were looking quite sharp in the opening minutes of the second quarter. That’s when it happened. One of our best defensive players went after a loose ball and fell on his knee. For a moment, it appeared to be business as usual because he’s always diving and jumping and putting his body at risk in order to nab a rebound, break up a play, or steal the ball. This time it was different though. He let out a scream that sent a clear indication that something was seriously wrong. As players, coaches and spectators quickly rushed to his side, their facial expressions showed agony, concern, nervousness, and disgust. Whispers of a “sunken” and “caved-in” knee-cap bounced off the walls of the gymnasium. It seemed like it took an eternity for fire rescue workers to arrive and take him out on a stretcher to the local hospital. The game continued shortly after, but we seemed to struggle for most of the night. Tentative play, missed shots, turnovers, poor defensive execution, and a couple of bad calls left us down by two with seconds remaining on the clock. One of our best shooters launched a three and missed. That’s when it happened. Miraculously, we managed to have the ball with __ seconds on the clock. The team ran a play that left my son wide open and near the basket. He went to the basket, laid the ball up, and it came off the rim. He missed the shot. The team scrambled to get another shot off, but to no avail. The buzzer sounded and the opposing team went crazy. So did the team that was waiting to play our team. They were more excited than the team that had pulled off the upset. My son lay on the court for a few moments and then headed to the bench with his head in his shirt. Parents, coaches, and players from other teams came over to lend support and to remind him that he was one of the best players in the league. “It happens like that sometimes.” “It happened to Patrick Ewing in a finals game.” “You’re the best player out here.” “Keep ya head up man.” “It was just one of those nights.” “Your game was off tonight.” No matter what they said, he kept his head in his shirt. There was no consoling him. He’d let his teammates down.
With the exception being dad providing a few words of encouragement, we drove home from the game in near silence. Back at home, I shared a few thoughts with him. First and foremost, the well-being of his friend was more important than the game. He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and reach out to lend support to his friend. (It’s important to put things in prospective.) Next, although his team had lost a game that they were projected to win; he had not lost the game by himself. Each player needed to start the game with a sense of urgency—no matter who they were playing against. It is important to give 110% from the beginning of the game until the final buzzer sounds. No team should ever be taken for granted…especially teams that have nothing to lose. Hustle can beat talent. I advised him not to let the moment define him, but instead to let it be his re-defining moment. I told him that tonight should mark the following “moments”:
• The moment when he decided that he’s going to play harder than ever in every game he plays next season with his varsity team.
• The moment when he decided to work on his game more than ever.
• The moment he decided that he’d get more loose balls, more rebounds, and more steals.
• The moment when he decided that he’d work on going strong to the basket and finishing with his left hand.
• The moment when he became one of the greatest players to play the game.
When he missed that shot and the buzzer sounded, he had to accept a loss. However, failure isn’t final. In times like this, we all have to regroup and find the courage to begin again. Don’t let setbacks steal your confidence. Instead, admit mistakes, learn from them, and MOVE ON!
As he lay on the floor of the gymnasium, I’m sure he thought that the loss was an end of an era for his team. I beg to differ. For him, that game marked the end of an ERROR and the beginning of a new ERA. He’s on his way to greatness, and one missed shot can’t stop that.

What "They" Said About Me...

They said I had a better chance of being incarcerated than being educated.
They said I was more likely to drop out or cop out.
They said I'd have children when I was a kid myself, and the kids would have to be cared for by somebody else.
They said my body would be plagued by poor and failing health.
They laughed at the prospect of me accumulating wealth.
They said I'd never marry and never live in a house.
They wrote me off as a "good for nothing louse".
Because I was born into poverty, they said that's where I'd remain.
They determined that before adulthood, I'd either kill or I'd be slain.
They said I'd never move out of the projects, and if I did, it would be with Section 8. They said that eventually I'd be sorry, but by then, it would be too late.
They said I'd spend all my money on frivolous things, like fancy cars,diamonds, and two-finger rings.
They said that saving and investing was beyond my comprehension.
They never even considered I could one day earn a pension.
They said that I was lazy and didn't really want to work.
They said I'd rather wait on the government "perks".
They said that I'd sell drugs, and if not, I'd be addicted.
They said I'd commit a crime and at some point, I'd get convicted.
They said I was more likely to get HIV than an MPA.
But I proved you wrong, didn't I "They"?

Prize Fighter

Muhammad Ali. Mike Tyson. Joe Frazier. Sugar Ray Leonard. George Foreman. Evander Holyfield. No list of the greatest fighters to ever live would be complete without Rebecca Powell-Snoddy. Although many have never heard of the latter, she is indeed one of the greatest—a legend with a legacy like no other. You see, Rebecca battled an opponent who has never been beaten. Rebecca fought death. Here’s how it went down:

The first match happened more than twenty years ago, Rebecca was diagnosed with a brain tumor. For her, this proved to be nothing more than an exhibition fight. She battled back from both her first and second brain surgeries with unparalleled resilience. Not long after the second surgery, Rebecca was driving in her car when suddenly; she lost sight in her left eye. She described it as feeling like someone slowly pulling down a shade until she couldn’t see anything. This was indeed a major blow for “Unbeatable Becky” but it didn’t stop her. She regrouped and faced her challenges head on. Being blind in one eye seemed to give her a sharper focus on life and its importance. Unbeatable Becky was so busy finding ways to help others that she didn’t allow herself any time to be distracted by the Rope-a-Dope of worry, self-pity, and anger. Nope, she was too busy championing someone else’s cause for that.

Oh, and Death…she took the life out of him. He came back for re-match after re-match and Unbeatable Becky KO’d him time after time. Unbeatable Becky underwent her 4th brain surgery in 2009. The surgery was more than 18 hours long. Many didn’t think she had the stamina to beat death that time, but like the champion she is, she found a way to win. Within months, Unbeatable Becky had pulled off another major upset. She made a full recovery and was back to the business of helping and caring for others in no time at all.

In July 2010, bruised and battered, Death showed up again requesting a re-match. Rebecca’s physician advised her that the tumor had returned and would require a 5th brain surgery. Without surgery, the physician predicted that she would not live for more than one year. Wearily, Unbeatable Becky agreed to one final fight with Death. However, she changed the rules. This time, there would be no surgery. Unbeatable Becky conferred with her corner—none were prepared to offer coaching—but no coaching was needed. Unbeatable Becky had her own game plan and only needed help with execution. Unbeatable Becky planned her end of life care and assigned roles and responsibilities to those who were capable of carrying out her wishes as described. Afterwards, she returned to business as usual. She prioritized responsibilities and focused on things that mattered to her. Her order of business was simple: God first, followed by family, friends, and others in need of her help. She truly was a modern day Mother Teresa.

Unbeatable Becky fought valiantly. I’m sure that Death got more than he bargained for. Unbeatable Becky fought for twelve rounds—she never gave up. When the bell rang, she went to her corner, closed her eyes, and rested—awaiting the decision. When she opened them up and the angels welcomed her home, I’m sure she smiled and said “I beat Death for real this time”.