Change Can Be a Pain

A couple of weeks ago I went to my dentists’ office to pick up my “aligners”. Yep, I did it. After years of contemplating about whether or not to get my bottom teeth straightened out, I decided to get the invisible braces. It seemed like an easy fix—just wear the aligners for eight months to a year and voilà, a perfect smile. I sat in the chair and watched as he took the aligners out of the package that was customized for me. I opened my mouth as instructed so that the aligners could be fitted onto my teeth. I was not prepared for the “pressure” that I felt. My teeth and gums hurt so bad that I wanted to take the devices out immediately. He assured me that it would feel better in 48 hours. He explained that it would take about ten minutes to take the aligners out of my mouth by myself and encouraged me to be patient when I made my first attempt. He advised that I return to his office the following day if I was unable to remove the braces myself. I drove home trying to figure out what I had gotten myself into. That evening, I had to take the braces out in order to brush my teeth. The notion of “pressure” was no match for the pain that I felt. It felt as if I were pulling out my teeth without Novocain. I talked to myself throughout the process and finally they came out. I brushed my teeth gently and snapped the braces back into place. Again I felt a rush of pain. I took some ibuprofen and went straight to bed. Eating was not an option. The next day I was not interested in eating anything. To make matters worse, it was difficult to say certain words because of the braces. The only thing I could look forward to was the 48th hour. I developed a strategy of drinking Ensure for breakfast and lunch so that I only had to take the braces off to eat dinner. Two days later, still painful. Three days later, no better. It took about a week for me to finally get to the point where it was worth it to take the braces out to eat lunch, and about a week and a half for me to be able to make the “S” sound when I spoke. It’s been two weeks now, and I can take them out and put them in with little difficulty. I can eat and only experience mild soreness. Two weeks ago, I didn’t think that I’d ever eat again. Next week, it will be time for the new set of aligners—the next “phase” of my treatment plan. You see, every two to three weeks I will get a new set of “vice grips” and have to deal with the pressure of my teeth adjusting, shifting and correcting. I’m hearing from “survivors” that it gets easier to deal with over time. The lesson that I want to share with you is that change is never easy. In fact, change is uncomfortable. Change doesn’t feel good. Sometimes it’s even painful. Change can leave you feeling uncertain about your decision. You may even feel like retreating to your old method of operation—change has a way of making the old way seem easier. One of the most frustrating things about change is that it takes time. Real change doesn’t usually happen overnight. Progress is not easy to see either. It may happen so slowly that it doesn’t seem like it’s happening at all. It may not seem worth it. Change anyway. Ghandi said it best: “Become the change you want to see”. If there’s something that you want to fix, fix it. If there’s something you want to do, do it. If there’s something you need to stop, stop it. If there’s something you want to be, be it. If it’s important to you, commit to change even though it’s difficult. For after the rain comes the rainbow and after the pain comes the reward. I’m smiling through the pain and changing for the better all the while!

Don't Forget to Look Out for the Squirrels

A few weeks ago while riding home from the grocery store at a speed of about 35mph, a squirrel darted out in front of me. I thought nothing of it at first because it’s a regular occurrence. Squirrels are so fast that I never considered that I would actually hit one at the speed I was going. However, this time was different. The squirrel never made it to the median. I looked through my rearview mirror and there he was—road kill. It was the first time I’d ever hit or ran over anything (well anything that was alive). I felt really bad. Sure, some would say “it was just a squirrel”, but it was a preventable accident. I could have slowed down or stopped until the squirrel had safely made it across the street, but I didn’t think I had to. Had it been a dog or a duck, I would have slowed down. But, I just assumed the squirrel would make it across. They always do. There’s even a “Geico” commercial that shows a squirrel make it across a busy street in the nick of time.

This morning, while riding on the highway, I saw a dead raccoon that had obviously met the same fate as the squirrel and for whatever reason, I thought about the incident again. I thought to myself—if everything happens for a reason, I wonder why I hit that squirrel. Here’s what came to me:

In life there are lots of people who need help. Their shortcomings, obstacles, and dilemmas are evident. We all know people who need help and hopefully, we respond and offer our support and/or assistance in whatever manner we can. We check on our friends and relatives who are faced with struggles to make sure that they are okay, and remind them regularly that we are there to help if needed. These people are our “Dogs” and “Ducks”. We know we need to watch out for them, look after them, and make sure that they are alright. We understand their vulnerabilities and the role we may have to play in making their lives manageable.

On the other hand, we all know people that seem to have it all together. These are the friends and relatives that have never asked for help, don’t appear to have any problems and couldn’t possibly benefit from any help that you could offer. After all, these people seem to be doing just as good, if not better, than you are. These people don’t seem to “need” anything. In fact, they are always doing or helping others. These people are our “Squirrels”. Remember what happened to that squirrel that decided to cross in front of me? Yep, I “assumed” that squirrel could get across the street. I was wrong.

I challenge each of you to look out for the “Squirrels” in your life. These people are movers and shakers; they are always busy, busy, busy. They think that they can do anything and everything. They may feel invincible but they aren’t. Check on them. Offer to help them with a task or invite them over for dinner or out for drinks. Call just to let them know that you care. Remind them to slow down and take a break. Oh,…and if you’re the squirrel, it’s better to take your time and carefully chart out your course of action, than to dart towards your goal without regarding the obstacles and dangers in front of you. Don't get so wrapped up in trying to do so much that you end up killing yourself. Of course, there are challenges that must be overcome in order to be successful, but please...slow down.

The Ugly Truth...

As each of us travels along the road of destiny towards our passion and purpose, we are at some point forced to embrace a harsh reality. For some of us, it will take years to realize and even longer to accept. For most of us, even after recognizing and accepting this ugly truth, we go far into our adult lives before taking the appropriate actions. Some of us fail to see, or chose to ignore the reality and live with the residual effects for years, and years and years. The harsh reality that I speak of is that many of the people who walk with you as you travel towards your destiny do not wish you well.
It’s a very painful notion to accept when you genuinely care about the well-being of a person but the feeling is not reciprocal. All of the signs are there, but it’s much too difficult to believe. Instead, we spend countless hours trying to convince ourselves that our intuition is off. I mean, after all, why would someone be unhappy about another person’s success? Sadly, at some point we each have to come to terms with this: There are some who allow their own insecurities, regrets and unpursued dreams to rob them of their ability to wish the best for others.
I am still in the process of learning to remove these people from my space. It’s very difficult in the real world because for whatever reason, these people want to remain a part of your life. They wear the costume of friendship and masquerade their ill will. However, there comes the time when each of us is able to see through the deception. Far too often, we ignore the signs and opt instead to try and find the good in the relationship, despite the obvious negativity. I say that it is time we find the inner strength to “unfriend” those who do not add value and positive energy to our lives. It’s ok to wish them well from a distance and remain cordial, but those who you allow to be a part of your personal journey should have a genuine interest in seeing you live your purpose…without any concern about whether or not you reach your goal before they realize theirs.
A person who is supposed to be a part of your journey will be happy with each step forward you take. They will be proud of your successes and will have no problem telling you or others just how proud they are. When you face obstacles, these will be the people who help you find a way around them. They will encourage you when you can’t see the path to your purpose. They notice when you are off your game or slacking and quickly express their disappointment. They challenge you to be and give your best. These are the people who could be experiencing their biggest setbacks, but would still be ecstatic about your achievements. They care about you and hold your dreams close to their hearts. They pray for your strength, well-being and success as often as they pray for their own.
With the people who are supposed to be on your journey guarding the path, there simply isn’t enough room for those who don’t believe in, encourage, or support your dreams. Hanging on to them, only slows you down. Let them go. No apologies necessary. Find the courage to distance yourself from these people. Find the courage to move forward on your path with only those who truly matter beside you.

Moving On

I can’t believe that I stayed so long. All the signs of a bad relationship were there but I kept thinking things would get better. I mean, he took good care of me…even though he was detached, cold and aloof. I tried to rationalize the behavior. “Well, that’s just the way he is” I thought to myself. I tried to change my expectations, thinking that perhaps I was expecting too much. But, I was bothered by the fact that he didn’t seem to care about me at all. Sure, he did what he needed to do, but he was not interested in connecting with me. I tried to engage him every chance I had, but nothing. I wasted so much time hoping things would get better. Years passed, but not even time could change him.

I’m generally a strong person, but somehow I didn’t consider leaving. I found reasons to stay. First of all, it was convenient. I could usually see him when I needed to. Secondly, I’d gotten use to being treated coldly and knew how to handle it. More importantly, I didn’t want to have to start all over again. I convinced myself that if I started over again, I’d still have an issue with the new person, because after all, nobody’s perfect. I told myself that the process of establishing a new relationship was just too stressful. I’d have to share all of my history with someone new. I’d have to take a chance and trust again. That is very difficult for me to do. So I stayed; enduring a relationship of convenience. I wasted time and money (I gave him lots of money over the years) and never felt fulfilled.

A couple of weeks ago I told him how I felt. I shared my feelings and waited for feedback. I thought certainly he would realize that he had neglected me and take corrective action. I was wrong. He just seemed irritated by my expectations. I got the feeling that he expected me to
accept him the way he is. I stopped trying. I completely shut down. I began to feel angry—at myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I decided to change my situation once and for all. I didn’t bother to tell him, even though I doubt it would have mattered. He didn’t care about me (at least not the way that I needed him to). I left him and resolved to put my needs first from that day on.

So, I called a few friends and let them know that I was looking for someone a little more caring. I also kept my eyes and ears open for new prospects.

Well, today I finally switched doctors and it seems this one has the right prescription.

A Winner's Attitude

It was a must-win game. The semi-final game—a mere formality on the way to the championship. By all accounts, my sons’ team was undoubtedly winning the championship. Everybody knew it. I don’t think anyone came there with another thought. Not the opposing team, not the opposing coach, and not the opposing players. What transpired over the next couple of hours was a multitude of lessons. During the first quarter, the opposing team jumped out to a quick five point lead. With our team starting the game with two of the best players on the bench, we weren’t the least bit concerned about that lead. As the first quarter came to a close, our team had gained momentum. We were looking quite sharp in the opening minutes of the second quarter. That’s when it happened. One of our best defensive players went after a loose ball and fell on his knee. For a moment, it appeared to be business as usual because he’s always diving and jumping and putting his body at risk in order to nab a rebound, break up a play, or steal the ball. This time it was different though. He let out a scream that sent a clear indication that something was seriously wrong. As players, coaches and spectators quickly rushed to his side, their facial expressions showed agony, concern, nervousness, and disgust. Whispers of a “sunken” and “caved-in” knee-cap bounced off the walls of the gymnasium. It seemed like it took an eternity for fire rescue workers to arrive and take him out on a stretcher to the local hospital. The game continued shortly after, but we seemed to struggle for most of the night. Tentative play, missed shots, turnovers, poor defensive execution, and a couple of bad calls left us down by two with seconds remaining on the clock. One of our best shooters launched a three and missed. That’s when it happened. Miraculously, we managed to have the ball with __ seconds on the clock. The team ran a play that left my son wide open and near the basket. He went to the basket, laid the ball up, and it came off the rim. He missed the shot. The team scrambled to get another shot off, but to no avail. The buzzer sounded and the opposing team went crazy. So did the team that was waiting to play our team. They were more excited than the team that had pulled off the upset. My son lay on the court for a few moments and then headed to the bench with his head in his shirt. Parents, coaches, and players from other teams came over to lend support and to remind him that he was one of the best players in the league. “It happens like that sometimes.” “It happened to Patrick Ewing in a finals game.” “You’re the best player out here.” “Keep ya head up man.” “It was just one of those nights.” “Your game was off tonight.” No matter what they said, he kept his head in his shirt. There was no consoling him. He’d let his teammates down.
With the exception being dad providing a few words of encouragement, we drove home from the game in near silence. Back at home, I shared a few thoughts with him. First and foremost, the well-being of his friend was more important than the game. He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and reach out to lend support to his friend. (It’s important to put things in prospective.) Next, although his team had lost a game that they were projected to win; he had not lost the game by himself. Each player needed to start the game with a sense of urgency—no matter who they were playing against. It is important to give 110% from the beginning of the game until the final buzzer sounds. No team should ever be taken for granted…especially teams that have nothing to lose. Hustle can beat talent. I advised him not to let the moment define him, but instead to let it be his re-defining moment. I told him that tonight should mark the following “moments”:
• The moment when he decided that he’s going to play harder than ever in every game he plays next season with his varsity team.
• The moment when he decided to work on his game more than ever.
• The moment he decided that he’d get more loose balls, more rebounds, and more steals.
• The moment when he decided that he’d work on going strong to the basket and finishing with his left hand.
• The moment when he became one of the greatest players to play the game.
When he missed that shot and the buzzer sounded, he had to accept a loss. However, failure isn’t final. In times like this, we all have to regroup and find the courage to begin again. Don’t let setbacks steal your confidence. Instead, admit mistakes, learn from them, and MOVE ON!
As he lay on the floor of the gymnasium, I’m sure he thought that the loss was an end of an era for his team. I beg to differ. For him, that game marked the end of an ERROR and the beginning of a new ERA. He’s on his way to greatness, and one missed shot can’t stop that.

What "They" Said About Me...

They said I had a better chance of being incarcerated than being educated.
They said I was more likely to drop out or cop out.
They said I'd have children when I was a kid myself, and the kids would have to be cared for by somebody else.
They said my body would be plagued by poor and failing health.
They laughed at the prospect of me accumulating wealth.
They said I'd never marry and never live in a house.
They wrote me off as a "good for nothing louse".
Because I was born into poverty, they said that's where I'd remain.
They determined that before adulthood, I'd either kill or I'd be slain.
They said I'd never move out of the projects, and if I did, it would be with Section 8. They said that eventually I'd be sorry, but by then, it would be too late.
They said I'd spend all my money on frivolous things, like fancy cars,diamonds, and two-finger rings.
They said that saving and investing was beyond my comprehension.
They never even considered I could one day earn a pension.
They said that I was lazy and didn't really want to work.
They said I'd rather wait on the government "perks".
They said that I'd sell drugs, and if not, I'd be addicted.
They said I'd commit a crime and at some point, I'd get convicted.
They said I was more likely to get HIV than an MPA.
But I proved you wrong, didn't I "They"?

Prize Fighter

Muhammad Ali. Mike Tyson. Joe Frazier. Sugar Ray Leonard. George Foreman. Evander Holyfield. No list of the greatest fighters to ever live would be complete without Rebecca Powell-Snoddy. Although many have never heard of the latter, she is indeed one of the greatest—a legend with a legacy like no other. You see, Rebecca battled an opponent who has never been beaten. Rebecca fought death. Here’s how it went down:

The first match happened more than twenty years ago, Rebecca was diagnosed with a brain tumor. For her, this proved to be nothing more than an exhibition fight. She battled back from both her first and second brain surgeries with unparalleled resilience. Not long after the second surgery, Rebecca was driving in her car when suddenly; she lost sight in her left eye. She described it as feeling like someone slowly pulling down a shade until she couldn’t see anything. This was indeed a major blow for “Unbeatable Becky” but it didn’t stop her. She regrouped and faced her challenges head on. Being blind in one eye seemed to give her a sharper focus on life and its importance. Unbeatable Becky was so busy finding ways to help others that she didn’t allow herself any time to be distracted by the Rope-a-Dope of worry, self-pity, and anger. Nope, she was too busy championing someone else’s cause for that.

Oh, and Death…she took the life out of him. He came back for re-match after re-match and Unbeatable Becky KO’d him time after time. Unbeatable Becky underwent her 4th brain surgery in 2009. The surgery was more than 18 hours long. Many didn’t think she had the stamina to beat death that time, but like the champion she is, she found a way to win. Within months, Unbeatable Becky had pulled off another major upset. She made a full recovery and was back to the business of helping and caring for others in no time at all.

In July 2010, bruised and battered, Death showed up again requesting a re-match. Rebecca’s physician advised her that the tumor had returned and would require a 5th brain surgery. Without surgery, the physician predicted that she would not live for more than one year. Wearily, Unbeatable Becky agreed to one final fight with Death. However, she changed the rules. This time, there would be no surgery. Unbeatable Becky conferred with her corner—none were prepared to offer coaching—but no coaching was needed. Unbeatable Becky had her own game plan and only needed help with execution. Unbeatable Becky planned her end of life care and assigned roles and responsibilities to those who were capable of carrying out her wishes as described. Afterwards, she returned to business as usual. She prioritized responsibilities and focused on things that mattered to her. Her order of business was simple: God first, followed by family, friends, and others in need of her help. She truly was a modern day Mother Teresa.

Unbeatable Becky fought valiantly. I’m sure that Death got more than he bargained for. Unbeatable Becky fought for twelve rounds—she never gave up. When the bell rang, she went to her corner, closed her eyes, and rested—awaiting the decision. When she opened them up and the angels welcomed her home, I’m sure she smiled and said “I beat Death for real this time”.